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Hi! Got the time to write again here. It was definitely a long time since I wander off here to write again. I was thinking of sharing my thoughts of how sure I am to buy a set of bow and arrow. Also, wanted to learn how to make use of them. I am currently saving for that things to be bought without compromising my daily needs.

Since I saw the show hunger games, I instantly became a fan of the bow and arrow weapon. As well as consistently watching the walking dead series after a day's work makes me more of a fan. I find it more convenient if there is an emergency like that to become. Put that aside, there are a lot of things that I wanted to buy, preserve for emergencies. I already got them listed in my handy notebook. I also got my storage spic and span for them to put on. Just sharing! ta! ^^

We had a terrible fight that seems to start every day.. I can't help thinking of what to do the best to keep us away from fighting over and over to petty things. All of the worse things in his mind and as well as everything he keeps inside had been flushed to me. I didn't like the feeling. Its been so long since it happened and still happening. I loved him, respected and trust everyday even though we didn't see each other. I always believe in a better future with him.

He told me that I deprived him the right to our child because he didn't had the chance to care for our kid. I always told him that he is welcome in our house to visit and care for us. I always keep my calm in explaining how much I endure and stand in the point where I think is right in the situation. I never deprived him, he doesn't exert effort. I planned my future together with him, I feel like he didn't want it. I always motivate him and love despite all. But why to I have to hear everything I don't want to hear from him. 

He told me that even before when we had no kid he wanted to fix his relationship with her ex-girlfriend but didn't do so because I was now in his life. I always keep in his phase of expectation even though its more than I can give just to prove to him he made the right choice. But why do I have to hear that.... I hate this feeling... I don't know what to do, what to expect.

When we fight like this, the best thing that I can do is to shut up and don't talk through text or phone just to keep the heat down. I wanted to talk in a way wherein both of us are calm and in right mind. I believe that talking when mad is not good because you will be saying something you don't want to say to each other. I gave everything I can for this relationship. Why do I have to experience this feeling....

I know he is not perfect, not even close to a responsible father. But I believe him everyday to change because I loved him. Why didn't he see that? He always focus on things for himself. He know our situation thus he always makes selfish accusations even the very wrong ones. It is like I am talking to a childish brat.

He told me he wanted out. He wanted to find a person he will marry and happy with. It hurts me so much to the point I would break in pieces. I didn't like it. I hate it, hate him. I risk every card I have because I believe and loved him. Did I made a mistake? For the simple act of avoidance to disclose suspicion I am subjected to malice, to his point of thinking.

I am super hurt. This is my first act of selfless and love but this would hurt me more than anything else in my life. I am down. I am weak now. I am pissed and angry. I want to shout and I want to think. Why didn't he understand it. I am lost in my goal. I am broken and unfocused. 

Every time we talked it feels like hell. We always end up fighting, arguing to something so small. I always cry after that. I remembered every thing he told me before. I pictured him as before the man I loved. Now, he always makes me accusations subjectively. I want to die. But I always tell myself I have to live for our kid. He even tell me that our child is not his because I refused to let him be with him. I always told him to visit us in our house. 

It is the right way. He doesn't see it. In all that we did before this is the right time to at least make the future decision to be helpful. It should always be in the convenience of the child. Not just selfish act of the mind on us. It seems that his consciousness and decisions are not that mature enough to understand. I pray for peace of mind, for understanding. Every accusations on our conversation even though its seldom still hurts me worse than anything. I wanted to seek help, I pray every time for guidance..

As Christmas approaches as well as the air around getting colder than ever. My worries are coming into light now and still don't know how to handle it. I cannot find other ways except to write it down in this blog. I really want us, my daughter and me spend the holidays with her father. I really hope that it will turn out in according with our plans. Hopefully. I really wanted to. I cannot express how I wanted to. The more I think about it the more I wanted it to tun out that way.

Every Night, I always stare at my daughter sleeping thinking of how would the three of us be happy together during holidays. That would make me very very happy.

Earlier this morning, I am not feeling very well. Took up some medicine but still the feeling wont change. Physically and mentally I am not stable at all because of all the things that is happening to me. For some reason, all of what I ever wanted is not coming together. Why is this happening to me. Always running to some dream that I struggle to have in my life. These past few days I always cry my heart out for some reason. My life, husband, child and work always not getting into each other.
Parents wont sit down and talked with each other. Husband always complaining but not excerting any efforts for his family. Always, always getting into worse from bad. I just wanted a good life together with thw ones I loved. Why cant it get together.... I always obey and comply, it is this only that I tend to decide on my own accord. 

I always pray and question myself that what did I did to deserve this. It breaks my entire soul and heart just by seeing it all falling apart. The situations very fragile none of them putting an effort. At one point, I just wanted to leave together with my child to somewhere where they cannot reach me.... I just wanted to die...
God please help me, i so helpless. No matter what I do nothings change.....

Today, when I woke up early this morning I cant help the feeling of intense hatred and sorrow. I've been thinking of going away with my daughter to a far away place that no one can reach just to be able to have a peace of mind. I am not happy with what I am now, in this house. I feel like a prison full of gargoyles with knives in my neck ready to strike. I hate myself for being not ready for this situation emotionally and financially. I hate my partner for not giving extra effort to be able to lighten up the situation. I hate my current job because they are very irritating in regards to employee relations. Most of all because they give sanctions or memos or whatever to those who advice to the officer in duty. I mean come on, they wanted me to notify them and I did it directly to the officer in charge 2 hrs before the duty and now they giving me a memo explaining why I didn't even advice them! what the hell! They said I have to also text certain person to notify.and they not even paying me good. I hate everything..

I wish I could find a good paying job that will make me financially stable and independent. I wanted to fix everything for my future family, hopefully my partner will do his part. I wanted to show them all that I can do it. Dear God help me to be respectful despite the situation. I just need to pray often to lessen my intense hatred. Now, i am not even looking at my enemies to be able to avoid complications and focus on the goal to be able to get out of this black hole. I am very pissed, I like to punch their faces. But I have to contain myslf as much as possible. 

Hopefully, when the time comes I will fulfill my goal. May God help me, and to those who degrade me every time and hour of my life with or without me knowing may the creator bring judgement equal to what you have been due time.

These past few months my husband and I had been thinking of taking the Christmas holidays at their parents place. But the problem is that my parents doesn't want us to take the holidays there. For the reason, they don't like my future husband and wanted me and our daughter to live in my parents. This problem had been going on for many months now, but my relationship with him was very strong that even though we had this kind of problem, we got through together. 

Its along story if I state the reasons for my parents to act this way. To cut this short, my husband had working for contractual basis and had a daughter from his previous relationship. That is why my parents manage to hate my hubby so much. Back to the situation, we are planning to spend our holidays at their place but whenever I raised the topic to my parents they just irritably unreasonable. I just wanted us family to get to spend the holiday together. 

They always gave the cold shoulder and they said that if I do that, we could have just stay there forever. For this to be easier to understand, my husband and I are not living together in one house. My work is in the city that is why I get to live for a while with my parents. My husband lives in the province. And since I work in the city our child comes with me and is taken care of my mom, when I was working. I tried to talk it over many times but no progress. I really love my family as well as my own family. 

I dont know what to do and the date of the holidays is getting near. Please give some comments...

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