We had a terrible fight that seems to start every day.. I can't help thinking of what to do the best to keep us away from fighting over and over to petty things. All of the worse things in his mind and as well as everything he keeps inside had been flushed to me. I didn't like the feeling. Its been so long since it happened and still happening. I loved him, respected and trust everyday even though we didn't see each other. I always believe in a better future with him.
He told me that I deprived him the right to our child because he didn't had the chance to care for our kid. I always told him that he is welcome in our house to visit and care for us. I always keep my calm in explaining how much I endure and stand in the point where I think is right in the situation. I never deprived him, he doesn't exert effort. I planned my future together with him, I feel like he didn't want it. I always motivate him and love despite all. But why to I have to hear everything I don't want to hear from him.
He told me that even before when we had no kid he wanted to fix his relationship with her ex-girlfriend but didn't do so because I was now in his life. I always keep in his phase of expectation even though its more than I can give just to prove to him he made the right choice. But why do I have to hear that.... I hate this feeling... I don't know what to do, what to expect.
When we fight like this, the best thing that I can do is to shut up and don't talk through text or phone just to keep the heat down. I wanted to talk in a way wherein both of us are calm and in right mind. I believe that talking when mad is not good because you will be saying something you don't want to say to each other. I gave everything I can for this relationship. Why do I have to experience this feeling....
I know he is not perfect, not even close to a responsible father. But I believe him everyday to change because I loved him. Why didn't he see that? He always focus on things for himself. He know our situation thus he always makes selfish accusations even the very wrong ones. It is like I am talking to a childish brat.
He told me he wanted out. He wanted to find a person he will marry and happy with. It hurts me so much to the point I would break in pieces. I didn't like it. I hate it, hate him. I risk every card I have because I believe and loved him. Did I made a mistake? For the simple act of avoidance to disclose suspicion I am subjected to malice, to his point of thinking.
I am super hurt. This is my first act of selfless and love but this would hurt me more than anything else in my life. I am down. I am weak now. I am pissed and angry. I want to shout and I want to think. Why didn't he understand it. I am lost in my goal. I am broken and unfocused.
Every time we talked it feels like hell. We always end up fighting, arguing to something so small. I always cry after that. I remembered every thing he told me before. I pictured him as before the man I loved. Now, he always makes me accusations subjectively. I want to die. But I always tell myself I have to live for our kid. He even tell me that our child is not his because I refused to let him be with him. I always told him to visit us in our house.
It is the right way. He doesn't see it. In all that we did before this is the right time to at least make the future decision to be helpful. It should always be in the convenience of the child. Not just selfish act of the mind on us. It seems that his consciousness and decisions are not that mature enough to understand. I pray for peace of mind, for understanding. Every accusations on our conversation even though its seldom still hurts me worse than anything. I wanted to seek help, I pray every time for guidance..
