Freedom Board

As Christmas approaches as well as the air around getting colder than ever. My worries are coming into light now and still don't know how to handle it. I cannot find other ways except to write it down in this blog. I really want us, my daughter and me spend the holidays with her father. I really hope that it will turn out in according with our plans. Hopefully. I really wanted to. I cannot express how I wanted to. The more I think about it the more I wanted it to tun out that way.

Earlier this morning, I am not feeling very well. Took up some medicine but still the feeling wont change. Physically and mentally I am not stable at all because of all the things that is happening to me. For some reason, all of what I ever wanted is not coming together. Why is this happening to me. Always running to some dream that I struggle to have in my life. These past few days I always cry my heart out for some reason. My life, husband, child and work always not getting into each other.

Parents wont sit down and talked with each other. Husband always complaining but not excerting any efforts for his family. Always, always getting into worse from bad. I just wanted a good life together with thw ones I loved. Why cant it get together.... I always obey and comply, it is this only that I tend to decide on my own accord. 

I always pray and question myself that what did I did to deserve this. It breaks my entire soul and heart just by seeing it all falling apart. The situations very fragile none of them putting an effort. At one point, I just wanted to leave together with my child to somewhere where they cannot reach me.... I just wanted to die...

God please help me, i so helpless. No matter what I do nothings change.....

Today, when I woke up early this morning I cant help the feeling of intense hatred and sorrow. I've been thinking of going away with my daughter to a far away place that no one can reach just to be able to have a peace of mind. I am not happy with what I am now, in this house. I feel like a prison full of gargoyles with knives in my neck ready to strike. I hate myself for being not ready for this situation emotionally and financially. I hate my partner for not giving extra effort to be able to lighten up the situation. I hate my current job because they are very irritating in regards to employee relations. Most of all because they give sanctions or memos or whatever to those who advice to the officer in duty. I mean come on, they wanted me to notify them and I did it directly to the officer in charge 2 hrs before the duty and now they giving me a memo explaining why I didn't even advice them! what the hell! They said I have to also text certain person to notify.and they not even paying me good. I hate everything..

I wish I could find a good paying job that will make me financially stable and independent. I wanted to fix everything for my future family, hopefully my partner will do his part. I wanted to show them all that I can do it. Dear God help me to be respectful despite the situation. I just need to pray often to lessen my intense hatred. Now, i am not even looking at my enemies to be able to avoid complications and focus on the goal to be able to get out of this black hole. I am very pissed, I like to punch their faces. But I have to contain myslf as much as possible. 

Hopefully, when the time comes I will fulfill my goal. May God help me, and to those who degrade me every time and hour of my life with or without me knowing may the creator bring judgement equal to what you have been doing.in due time.

These past few months my husband and I had been thinking of taking the Christmas holidays at their parents place. But the problem is that my parents doesn't want us to take the holidays there. For the reason, they don't like my future husband and wanted me and our daughter to live in my parents. This problem had been going on for many months now, but my relationship with him was very strong that even though we had this kind of problem, we got through together. 

Its along story if I state the reasons for my parents to act this way. To cut this short, my husband had working for contractual basis and had a daughter from his previous relationship. That is why my parents manage to hate my hubby so much. Back to the situation, we are planning to spend our holidays at their place but whenever I raised the topic to my parents they just irritably unreasonable. I just wanted us family to get to spend the holiday together. 

They always gave the cold shoulder and they said that if I do that, we could have just stay there forever. For this to be easier to understand, my husband and I are not living together in one house. My work is in the city that is why I get to live for a while with my parents. My husband lives in the province. And since I work in the city our child comes with me and is taken care of my mom, when I was working. I tried to talk it over many times but no progress. I really love my family as well as my own family. 

I dont know what to do and the date of the holidays is getting near. Please give some comments...